I am blessed

I am blessed!

I have so much to be thankful for!

Today I had my yearly checkup with my oncologist. My tenth annual check since being diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The tenth time that I've been scanned and questioned and prodded and poked and proclaimed cancer free.

And this time the doctor said that I don't have to come back anymore.

Let's just sit with that for a moment, shall we? My oncologist says that the risk of me suffering a relapse is so small that I no longer need to be under his care. That's pretty good news, right?

And you know what? I nearly didn't appreciate it.

I left the doctor's office thinking about how I had ticked another thing off my to-do list. 

"Attend annual check-up with oncologist. Check!"

And I turned my thoughts to what else I had to accomplish today.

And I allowed myself to feel a bit grumbly about this and that, and even to indulge in a bit of worrying...as mums do.

But then I stopped. And remembered...

What you think about and what you believe matters.

And I believe that I am blessed.

And I choose to focus on my blessings and be thankful.

So join with me in smiling. And thinking about what a wonderful day it is today. And what a wonderful thing it is to be alive in it!

Hats, juggling and quiet time

I wear a lot of hats.

Not literally.

I juggle many different roles, and I'll wager that you do too.

I've struggled over the years with feeling overwhelmed. Now that I'm feeling strong and healthy, I feel myself slipping into the dangerous zone of trying to "do it all".

I'm fortunate enough to have a husband, two children, and a whole slew of extended family. And a dog. I want my family to have whatever love and support that they need and I can provide. I want my household to run smoothly and for my family to be happy and healthy. I want notes to go back to school on the right day, my nieces and nephews' birthdays to be remembered, and everyone to get to the right after school activity on the right day at the right time.

I want my husband to get enough sex so he doesn't get grumpy!

I work two part time jobs, one as a librarian at a university library and the other running a small business providing private mathematics and music tuition. These are both demanding jobs. I enjoy the intellectual challenge, and I want to do well in both.

I have friends. I have hobbies. I have a blog.

I have a lot on my plate. And whichever metaphor you're partial to, I'm just as likely as the next person to be "stretched too thin" or to "burn the candle at both ends".

Because I want to be awesome. I want an awesome life.

I believe that what I need to do to avoid burnout, is to find my centre.

I need to find the essential part of me that defines who I am and sets my priorities.

I'm calling it my spirit, and this year I'm working on nourishing it. 

Because if I don't, I'm liable to become just another over-stressed person running about like a chicken with its head cut off, not achieving anything of real value. And that's not awesome.

I believe that I'd really benefit from setting the habit of a morning quiet time in order to set the course of each day. To take some time to be still and quiet and decide what is really important today.

I'm just having trouble actually doing it.

I'd love to hear from anyone with advice on how to put this into practice. Is it really just a matter of having the discipline to set the alarm half an hour earlier? Just gritting your teeth and doing it? And how do you fit it in if you have kids to get off to school or work to get to? Is that where the getting up earlier kicks in? It all sounds so virtuous and mildly depressing. Isn't there an easier way???

Let me know.

Begin with a bang!

I've started the New Year with a bang, and I'm not talking about the fireworks!



This morning I visited a new church. Well the church isn't new, I've just never been there before.

I'm prioritising my spiritual health during 2012, so I'll be trying a few new things in the process.

Do you attend church regularly? Pray or meditate? What works for you when it comes to the spiritual side of life?



This afternoon we all went to the local public swimming pool. I did half an hour of laps, which seemed particularly hard work today!

This evening I did some prep work for a BBQ we're having at our place tomorrow, marinating steaks and cooking some bits and pieces that I need for some fancy side dishes that I'm making.

And now I'm blogging.

And now I'm tired!

How's the New Year going for you?

Giving Thanks

There's nothing like an attack of the "bah humbugs" for making me feel spiritually bereft.

This year I have struggled a little to shake off the stress that comes with being a busy mother at Christmas time to discover the underlying joy of the season.

Someone once told me that are lives are like cars that need to keep all four wheels on the road. In our case, our wheels are our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. We have to make sure that we are looking after all four wheels in order to stay roadworthy.

Luckily over the past few years I've become quite adept at reading the signs that something is not quite right in my life. I'm better at keeping an eye on the gauges on my dashboard, if you like. So it's good that I'm aware that my spiritual health needs a bit of attention.

So today I'm stopping to give thanks every few minutes. Thanks for all the blessings in my life.

Sometimes, with all the bills to pay, it's easy to forget how rich I am. Today I'm taking the time to remind myself that I have more than I need. I have been blessed with abundance.

How are you going keeping all four wheels safely on the road of life?

Did losing weight make me a happier person?

I had lunch with some old school friends last weekend.

The great thing is that we have about thirty years (or more!) of history behind us, and whenever we get together we can just pick up where we left off.

Even though we're all very different to each other, we somehow fit together. Even though we work in different industries, we live in different areas, and our partners and family circumstances are all unique, we genuinely like and respect one another. We don't agree on everything, but we're more than happy to allow each other to be true to ourselves.

(Here's a gratuitous shot of the cafe where we ate. A stunning location!)

The girls hadn't seen me since I lost all my weight. They were suitably impressed and happy that I looked so healthy. But what surprised me was that they all commented about how happy I looked.

They're not the first to comment on the fact that I seem happier since I lost weight.

I've been told several times by different people.

I've also been told that I am more confident, more affectionate and more outgoing.

Now you might think it's a no-brainer. Of course I'm happier slim and healthy rather than overweight. And I guess that's a reasonable expectation. But I'm not aware that I'm acting any differently. I still feel like the same person, so I'm surprised that I've made such an obvious transformation.

So, being me, I've been thinking about it.

And I think that I've come up with something.

See if it makes sense to you.

I believe that I am happier because I have reached a point in my life when I am loving myself and caring for myself. I believe that my weight loss is not the reason that I feel good but is the result of me feeling good.

Let's just hear that again.

I lost weight because I'm happy, rather than being happy because I lost weight.

Yeah. I think that's right.

What do you think?

I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Cant' Say. Click on the button below to visit Shell and read some wonderful, heartfelt posts.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I'm a breast cancer survivor, and I'd like to remind you all to take care of yourself and make sure that you know your breasts, know your risk, and know the best way to make sure that you stay healthy.

I'm linking here to a post that I wrote earlier this year on the subject. Go read it!

If you live in Australia and would like more information about Breast Cancer, try this page of useful links from The National Breast Cancer Foundation.

If you live elsewhere in the world, please leave a link to your local information source in the comments.

And remember to pass it on to the other women in your life - remind them to look after themselves too!

By the end of this post I feel better

Hey there.

I got nothing people. Nothing.

I'm literally forcing myself to write in the hope that some inspiration will strike. 

I haven't written anything lately because I've had nothing to say. Simple really.

Why haven't I got anything to say? I don't know.

Life has been frolicking along as usual. It's school holidays here and we've had a ballet eisteddfod and it's Josh's birthday tomorrow and I've got a list as long as my arm of "things to do"...

...And no motivation for anything.

Deep breath.

I've been here before. When I get tired I'm susceptible to depression. That's just something I've learned about myself. And a "red flag" that indicates that I might be heading down that road is when I can't find the motivation to do things that I usually find fun. 

Aha! I think we've gotten to the bottom of things now.

What now?

Thankfully, over the past few years I've developed a "box of tricks" to put into action when I feel myself starting on the downward slide. I'd like to share them with you.

1. I am my own best friend. I love myself and care for myself.

The important thing for me to remember is to not wait for someone else to take care of me. By all means, I should speak up and tell those close to me what I need. I should ask for help. And because I have awesome people around me, I will receive love and care. But I must not wait passively, hoping that others will notice that I need a bit of extra care. And I must not rely on others to provide me with all the love and care that I need.

I must put on my "big girl pants" and think about what I really need and make it happen. I'm an adult and it's my job to say "yes" or "no" to things as is appropriate to my needs. It's my job to make my needs my first priority. I'm no good to anyone else unless I'm healthy and happy.

2. What feels good in the moment isn't always good for me.

It's tempting when I'm feeling a bit down to try to pick myself up by spending money or eating lots of chocolate or hibernating. And although I can kid myself that I'm giving myself a much deserved treat, these things don't really make me feel any better. Again, it's time for the "big girl pants" and a sensible approach to what will really make me feel good. As boring as it might sound, eating healthy foods and exercising and getting amongst it with friends and activities are actually the things that feel good in the long term. I very much enjoy a glass of wine, but when I'm pouring myself a glass every night I know that the alarm bells are sounding.

3. Writing helps me to work through what I'm thinking and feeling.

Everyone's different. Maybe writing isn't your thing, but it works for me. I don't always do it this way, in a public forum. I keep a journal beside my bed, and I find it helpful to write last thing at night or first thing in the morning. Just like in this blog post, I find that even if I start off not knowing what I'm going to write about, I always find that as the page gets filled, my thoughts and feelings unravel before me and start to make sense. 

Guess what? I feel better now. Ready to face my "to do" list.

I think I might take the dog for a walk and get some fresh air.

*** This post has been a bit like doing therapy in public. I hope I haven't overshared. I also hope that this post may have helped you in some way. ***

It's been a busy week.

Last Sunday we visited the travel agent. We sat down with a lovely travel consultant named Katherine and outlined our "World Tour 2012" plans. A couple of days later she got back to us with her initial proposal covering our flights and some accommodation in London, Paris and Orlando, Florida. Exciting! It's wonderful to have moved beyond the wishing and hoping and on to the actual planning!

I've worked a lot of hours this week between my time at the library and my teaching. I've been busy, also doing my bit to keep the house and family afloat, but I've been happy. The library work is going really well and I'm doing my best to make such a good impression that I'll be offered more work once my current block finishes.

Now that I'm at a healthy weight, I've been steadily building up my wardrobe. I'm really enjoying being able to fit into anything I like, and I'm trying to hold myself back from going the "mutton dressed as lamb" route. I see all these cute little dresses and tops - and I can actually fit into them - and sometimes I forget that I'm not 18 years old any more! I need to take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror to be sure that what I'm buying is "age appropriate". 

What do you think? Are there rules for dressing at (almost) 40? No bare midriffs, obviously, besides, no amount of weight loss will ever get my stomach back into midriff-baring shape! What about skirt length? I'm only 5'2" and I find that above-the-knee works best. And what about hosiery? My legs aren't fat, but they're snow white and have a few veins and a bit of cellulite. If I'm going to wear a short skirt, black opaque tights are my best friend. But come summer, I'll need to ditch the leg-wear. Does anyone know of a fake tan product that works miracles?

I've been meaning to take some photos of myself in some of my new clothes, but I just haven't found the time. Soon, I promise.

So, what have you been up to?

When is a cold the flu? With added Taylor Swift, Hamish and Andy!

I've had the flu. Or something. I never know at what point to stop saying that I've got a cold and start calling it the flu.

I've had four days of fevers, headaches, muscle aches, sore throat, blocked/runny nose, sensitive stomach and fatigue. I spent most of my time wrapped in a blanket on the recliner in front of the TV. So I'm calling it the flu.

I've passed it on to Alana because I'm just a caring and sharing kind of Mum. Boo to me :(

Now I'm feeling better. Not "better" as in "well", but "better" as in "able to face the washing up and even thinking of leaving Alana for an hour or so to do some much needed grocery shopping". Better.

Last night Hamish and Andy's Gap Year premiered and it was pretty funny. But what I really enjoyed was their Taylor Swift interview. We all know that Taylor is a great singer and songwriter, and if you've ever seen her interviewed you'll know that she's a sweetheart :) What we learn from her appearance on the Hamish and Andy show is that she's smart and funny too!

Moving on and New Clothes

What's new at my place? I've been wearing some new clothes. Because my old clothes don't fit me any more!

I got Alana to take this photo of me. I'm wearing her jeans. Gotta love that, wearing your thirteen-year-old daughter's jeans! It's cold, so I'm also wearing socks and boots; and a singlet, long purple top, and a cardigan buttoned up. I also need a hair cut and colour, but that's another story.

I'm now trying to quickly build up a good basic wardrobe of things that fit so I can add to it as I go along. Alana came shopping with me today and we had a good laugh in the fitting room together. I'm going to be working four days a week at the library starting Monday week, so I need a reasonable selection of "work" clothes. It's not as fun as shopping for just any clothes that I love, but taking Alana along certainly helps. I only have a limited budget, so I have to shop smart and get things that work together and look professional without being overly dressy. I tried on a grey dress that Alana and I named "the prison uniform" today. It was just awful! I'll be steering clear of anything that will make students too frightened to approach me at the library information desk!

I'm not quite at my goal weight yet. The last 4-5 kgs (10 pounds) seem to be hard, and slow, to shift. But I'm not focussing so much on the numbers any more. It's more about feeling good and (I hope) looking good.

I feel like I'm ready to move on from the chapter in my life in which I'm focussing a lot on weight loss. I'm sticking with Weight Watchers, I'm still tracking my foods and exercise, I'm not falling off the wagon! I'm just not going to spend so much time thinking about it any more. I have a family to love, work, and a holiday to plan! I don't want to get stuck in the rut of being all about the number on my scale.

How about you? How are you travelling on your journey?

Click the button to visit Brandy and link up for "Fat Ass Friday".

A new me from the ground up!

Current weight: 63.1 kg

Goal weight: 57 kg

Only 6.1 kg to go!!!

I really need to take a few pictures of myself to show me in all my slim and healthy glory! I need a new profile pic too. Otherwise, if you ran into me in the street, you might not recognise me!

First I need to buy me a new wardrobe of clothes. I need to start from the ground up, and when I say the ground up I really mean it. Not only do I need some new "foundation garments" (bras and undies), I even need a new boob!

I'm a breast cancer survivor and I wear a mammary prosthesis. A fake boob that I slip inside a special pocket in my bra. Since losing weight, my surviving breast has shrunk in proportion to the rest of me, so I've been feeling a bit uneven.

So look out world! With only 7 weeks and 3 days until my 40th birthday, I'm nearly ready to unleash the new and improved Fiona on the world!

 Click on the button to visit Brandy for "Fat Ass Friday".

Rocking the Vampire Uniform

I'm baa-ack!

Participating once again in the fabulous Brandy's Fat Ass Friday.

You should click on the button and visit Brandy as soon as you've finished reading this post ;)

Goal weight: 57 kg

Current weight: 66.9 kg

Counting down: 9.9 kg to go!

I've been starting to think about the clothes that I'm going to buy when I've reached my goal weight. I'm planning on maintaining and never gaining it back, so I want to buy stuff that I really love and that makes me feel great.

I know exactly the look that I'll be going for. This blog http://www.youknowyoulovefashion.com/ that I've just discovered calls it "the vampire uniform" of fitted jacket, understated tee and tight, dark pants. In other words, I'll be looking like a mixture of Caroline, Elena and Katherine from The Vampire Diaries.

 Here's Caroline wearing "vampire at a picnic"! Love everything except the boots.

Elena wearing "doppleganger at the vampire sacrifice chic".

And Katherine looking "just plain sexy vampire".

And don't get me started on the dress that Elena wears to the funeral.

 I. Need. This. Dress.

So watch out world. Coming soon - Fiona rocks the vampire uniform!



About love and self-acceptance

This post is inspired by the episode of Glee that aired in Australia last night. Episode 18 of Series 2 - the Lady Gaga "Born this Way" episode. If you're in Australia, you can watch it here.

If you're not a Gleek, let me fill you in. The episode was about self-acceptance. It was about celebrating the things that make you unique, and realising that the things about yourself that you struggle with might turn out to be your greatest strengths.

When I decided to join Weight Watchers and set a goal to lose weight, it was not because I did not love and accept myself. It took me a long time to commit to weight loss because I got a little bit confused about the relationship between self-acceptance and wanting to lose weight. I thought for a long time that making a consistent effort to change my body was a rejection of myself. It took me a while to sort it out in my own mind and to realise that I wanted to change not because I hated myself but because I loved myself.

In the Glee episode, Emma struggles with owning the fact that her Anxiety and OCD, rather than being a quirk of personality, is a mental illness that is holding her back from being the person that she was born to be. Loving herself means accepting that she has this illness, but not accepting that she has to stay sick. The best way that she can love herself is by seeking help to get better.

In a similar way, my weight was not just a case of being born "big boned"! I had a high percentage of body fat, making me much less healthy and more susceptible to life-threatening diseases. By getting help to make a change, I am doing the best possible thing to love myself.

I know that there can be a fine line sometimes between self-acceptance and loving yourself by making a change. I understand that sometimes it's hard to the difference. Society often gives us mixed messages about what parts of ourselves are acceptable and which parts need to change. But I'd like to leave you with a special message...

All of you is acceptable exactly the way you are. More than acceptable. Wonderful! If you decide to make a change, do it because you love yourself right now, and know that the change will help you to be the best you that you can be.

I won't love myself any more than I do now when I reach my goal weight. Because I already love myself completely. I am awesome! I'm losing weight because I love myself so much that I want to be as healthy as I can be. I want to be around for a long long time so that the world gets to experience my awesomeness for as long as possible.

If you find this post inspiring, please share it. And maybe you can let someone know that you love and accept them just as they are today. Even if that person is you.

Look after your boobies girlies!

Hi folks!

Here I am with a helpful community service announcement: follow your doctor's instructions and make sure that you do regular breast self-examinations and get your regular mammograms and ultrasounds.

Depending on your age and level of risk your doctor's recommendations will be different, so find out what is right for you.

Check out this information from The McGrath Foundation on how to be breast aware.

I'm a breast cancer survivor.

I haven't talked about it much here on this blog, but it's been nine years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nine years that I have been cancer free! Today is the day that I'm having my regular mammogram and ultrasound, and I thought that I'd take the opportunity to share this with you all and remind you to look after your health. I was only 30 years old when I was diagnosed, and had no idea that I was at risk. I was still breastfeeding my son Josh and found the lump myself. If I hadn't taken action then I wouldn't be here today.

If you are affected by this disease in some way and would like to ask questions or need someone to talk to, feel free to leave me a comment with a way to get in touch with you.